Typhoon Saola rant

Not a rant against the typhoon; heck, we got a day off because of it!

No, just some minor grumblings about a well-intentioned traffic sign that's useless as it stands now.

I'm in Asia and I failed the driving test…go figure

Should I be PC and apologize for that stereotypical comment?

Naw.

So last Tuesday I went to the DMV to upgrade my scooter license. My previous license entitled me to drive 50cc size scooters, and only required taking the written test (which I failed the first time). However, now that I have a 125cc engine, I need to take the driving portion of the test.

The test consists of driving a straight line between 2 sensors about two feet apart, not touching the ground and not taking less than 8 seconds, meaning you must be able to keep your balance and direction while driving relatively slowly.

Then you drive a small circular track, keeping between the 2 sensors, and making sure to stop at a railroad crossing, red light, and pedestrian crossing.

Wait, uh, what? What did I just write? Do people here really know they're supposed to stop at red lights and pedestrian crossings? Huh, wonders never cease.

Anyway, I passed the most difficult part—the slow, straight line—without a problem. However, when I got to the stop light, I misjudged how far my front tire extends, and it just barely touched the sensor at the line you're supposed to stop behind. BUZZ!

Automatic fail

I can retest in 7 days. I've heard there's an older woman who's taken and failed the test dozens of times, so I'm not (yet) the biggest loser at the DMV. Time will tell.

 

I break the law

On Friday, three other scooter riders and I simultaneously got pulled over by the Taiwanese police.

Other than the occasional late-night drunk driving check, I'd never been stopped before.

Our crime? All of us had turned left at an intersection. We had the green light, and the oncoming traffic still had a red light.


However, none of us complied with the "two-point turn" sign that you see on the right. 

機慢車 (jī màn chē)—Scooters & slow-moving vehicles
兩段左轉 (liǎng duàn zuǒ zhuǎn)—Two-part left turn

When you see this sign, instead of turning left at an intersection, you must first drive to a painted box in the lane perpendicular to yours (the cross-traffic lane), and wait there until the light turns green. Theoretically, this reduces the risk of a head-on collision from opposing traffic.

Here's a graphic to help explain.

In this picture, however, the scooter rider is driving on the left. In Taiwan, like in the US, we drive on the right side.

The fact that I got this explanatory image from a Taiwanese website, explaining traffic rules to a Taiwanese girls' school (http://www.cygsh.cy.edu.tw/) may help explain my frustration with the overall driving sense here.



Let me whine here a bit. I've been driving this same route to work for more than two years now, and I'd never seen that sign before. This particular intersection has been experiencing construction work for the past few months, and I had noticed new lines recently painted on the upgraded asphalt, but not the sign.

Anyway, the two cops motioned the lot of us towards the side of the road.

While one guy took care of the three Taiwanese offenders, the other cop—who obviously drew the short straw—approached me. In his best English, he asked for my identification. He took my license and asked, "Can you speak Chinese?"

I'd heard plenty of police stories, from foreigners and Taiwanese alike, advising to always play dumb. In my case, I really wasn't deceiving anyone when I answered 一點點 —"A little bit."

The officer went back to consult with the other officer, while I still didn't understand why we had been stopped. A bit later he returned and, showing me some images from his digital camera, he explained that we hadn't followed the two-point turn sign. After seeing the evidence, I accepted the fact that I was indeed in the wrong.

The officer then remarked that my license was expired. I pointed out, however, that I had renewed it, and that the DMV had simply written in a new expiration date on the back, which the officer hadn't noticed. He asked if I owned the scooter, whereby I produced my vehicle owner's registration and proof of insurance. I know that plenty of foreigners drive illegally here, so I think having the proper paperwork helped my case.

The officer informed me that I could pay the ticket at the Post Office or at 7-11 (of course!) and told me in English that the fine would be NT$6,000 (US$180). Incredulously, I asked 六千塊嗎?! —"Six thousand dollars?!" at which point he realized his error and, flustered, tried to remember the correct English. I suggested 六白呢? —"Six hundred?" (US$18) which he verified as the correct amount. 

He continued to write the citation, but kept his eye on the last scooter rider who was pulling away. He watched her go down the road, and when she was out of eye shot he quickly returned my documents and told me no ticket was necessary! Knowing I was indeed guilty, I asked 真的嗎? —"Really?"  He simply advised me to be careful in the future, and I assured him that I would obey the sign now that I knew it existed. 

One cultural difference I've noticed between Taiwan and the US is language tolerance. Although Mandarin Chinese is the official language here, people will seem embarrassed when they feel their English isn't up to par, especially government officials and those with higher education. I've never sensed a superior and dismissive "You're in Taiwan—speak Chinese!" attitude, although I suppose that's their right.

Of course, when spending an extended length of time in a foreign country, you should try to learn the local language. However, anyone who has attempted this knows that it doesn't happen overnight. And during that transition, a little understanding and helpful sympathy from the local population goes a long way towards social harmony. The Taiwanese understand this and put this into practice. 

UPDATE: I'm not saying I'm a saint. This past weekend I rented and drove a 125cc scooter, although my license indicates that I'm only legally authorized to drive a 50cc.

Q: What's in my wallet?

A: Lots of junk (I really need to organize it). Today, though, I added an important item that I'm especially proud of: My scooter driver's license.

My name is just under the first black bar...Kong Shu-wen (孔書文). My birthday is listed under my name as 52/03/05 because everyone magically ages 11 years when they come to Taiwan. (Not really. The year isn't counted from the birth of Jesus, but from the country's founding in 1911. So, in Taiwan, I wasn't born in "1952", just "52.")

Since I have a small scooter (50cc) I only had to take the written driving test; yet, I failed it the first time I took it. Why did I fail it? No, the test wasn't in Chinese. However, it wasn't quite in English, either.

Try it yourself
The following are some actual questions from the test, exactly as they are written. The answers appear at the end of this blog entry (don't cheat!)

Here's an easy, just-takes-common-sense, question:

A. True or False -- Pedestrians, motorcycles, tricycles are allowed on highways. ("Tricycles" will probably give away the answer)

But they can get tricky:

B. True or False -- Heavy motorcycles include common heavy motorcycles and big heavy motorcycles.

OK, you got a 50-50 shot at T/F questions. Let's decrease those odds a bit with some tricky multiple choice questions...

C. Number plate:
1) must be hung in the fixed place
2) can be hung anywhere
3) do whatever (Did a stoner write this question?)

Not challenging enough, you say? Ok then...

D. Signs and lines can be classified as:
1) warning, prohibition, indication
2) warning, prohibition, restriction
3) all the above

E. Motorcycles running with extremely low or high speed, due to:
1) good stability
2) bad stability
3) doesn't matter
the driver must use good skills to adjust for a smooth driving.

Here are some interesting ones...

F. I am a good driver, I obey all traffic laws. I want the highway patrol to:
1) be more strict
2) be relaxed
3) just check but not report

G. When a motorcyclist is not happy, usually he/she:
1) is emotionless
2) is not compassionate
3) is angry

H. If a motorcyclist wants to show national pride, enhance social safety and family happiness, he/she must:
1) drive ethically and obey the law
2) have great driving skills
3) stop smoking and drinking

From the wtf files:

I. Motorcyclist's clothing:
1) is free
2) slippers are ok
3) must be clean

Can't forget road signs...

J.
1) jolted road
2) slopes
3) protruding road


K.
1) jolted road
2) protruding road
3) low lying road


L.
1) no passing
2) no parking
3) no temporary parking


M.
1) no parking
2) no temporary parking
3) no cars


Here's a freebie; just wanted to throw it in because I thought it was unusual. It means No animal cars and tricycles.


The actual test has 40 questions; you must get 85% to pass. The first time I got 82.5%, but this time I got 97.5%...missed only one question!

How did you do? The answers are below.

A. F; B. F (Believe it or not, "commom heavy motorcycles" are "heavy motorcycles", but "big heavy motorcycles" are not!); C. 1; D. 1; E. 2; F. 1; G. 3; H. 1; I. 3 (guess I can get a ticket for wearing dirty clothes?); J. 3; K. 1; L. 2; M. 2

North Korea 北韓 북한

I wonder what it must be like to be an average North Korean citizen. Some writers have described living in its government-controlled society as like existing in a bubble, but I don't think that's quite right; even in a bubble, you can see the outside world.

Perhaps "living in a bubble, with Dear Leader's soap in your eyes" would be more accurate.

Even a seemingly innocuous news story about a new Italian restaurant in Pyongyang is turned into a self-glorifying tribute to Kim Jong Il.

There is a restaurant specializing in Italian dishes in Kwangbok Street, Pyongyang.

Its main dishes are various kinds of pizza and spaghetti dishes including pizza margherita and spaghetti vongole bianco. It also serves famous Korean and foreign dishes.

Manager of the restaurant Kim Sang Sun told KCNA:

There is a moving story behind the appearance of this restaurant. Leader Kim Jong Il took care that a restaurant specializing in Italian dishes was opened, saying the Koreans should be let to taste world-famous dishes. He took necessary measures, learning that the restaurant found it a tough row to hoe, having no cook experienced in Italian dishes. Now our cooks are just as good as Italians in making Italian dishes. No wonder the Korean and foreign customers are satisfied with the famous dishes of the world served by our restaurant.

I think The Onion did a perfect job of parodying the North Korean fantasy-world propaganda machine in the following video. Enjoy...

Proposition 8 - The Musical

Hollywood stars and commedians in this one: Jack Black, John C. Reilly, Neil Patrick Harris, Kathy Najimy, Maya Rudolph, Margaret Cho, Nicole Parker, Andy Richter, and others.
Prop 8 - The Musical

[Lyrics]

It's a brand new bright Obama day!
What a time to be black, a girl, or gay!
No nothing could go wrong,
So join us in this song
Of happy days, for the gays--
Nothing can go wrong!

Look, nobody's watching,
It's time to spread some hate
And put it in the Constitution...

Now? How?

Proposition 8!
Proposition 8! Great!

People listen to our plea
They'll teach kids about...sodomy!
Sodomy!


That wasn't right! That's a lie...

But it worked so we don't care!

Now you wish we'd all shut up...

But make our clothes and fix our hair!

And our love is not a sin...

Well the Bible says it's so!

[Jesus]:
Well the Bible says a lot of things, you know?

Jesus Christ!

Hey, how's it goin?

Jesus, doesn't the Bible say these people are an abomination?

Obama-nation?

Yeah, but you know it says the exact same thing about this shrimp cocktail...

Mmm...shrimp cocktail!

Leviticus says shellfish is an abomination.

Obama-nation!

What else does the Bible say, Jesus?

The Bible says a lot of interesting things:
Like, you can stone your wife
Or sell your daughter into slavery.

Well, we ignore those verses.

Well then, friend, it seems to me you pick and choose

We pick and choose!

Well, please choose love instead of hate.
Besides, your nation
was built on separation
of church and state!
See you later sinners!

Bye Jesus...goodbye Jesus...I love you Jesus!

You know, here's another thought to wrap things up:
Oh, ev-ery time a gay or lesbian
finds love at the parade--
there's money to be made!

He's right!

Each time two grooms say, "Paint that wedding hall"
and lavender's the shade--
There's money to be made!

He has a point!

Think of all the carriages and four white horses;
There's millions lost from all your disapproving.

Well, that's not good...

Think of all the lawyers for the gay divorces;
Think of the tattoo removing!

We get it now...we've been such fools!

[All]:I can see
America's calling me.
Yes, gay marriages will save
the econ-o-myyyyyyyyyyy!!

Still lazy

Wow, so much as happened since I last made an entry.

Yet, today is not the day for me to update this blog. In the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about that tomorrow."

The wrong way to ask for $700 billion

By David Malki! at Wondermark.com

Baracktoberfest

In the past week I've received two different emails rallying American Democrats in Taiwan. This indicates to me that people everywhere are fed up with this Administration. One of the event organizers even states, "With your help, I might one day be able to remove that Canadian Maple Leaf Patch I secretly sewed on my backpack for when I go traveling."

On September 27th there will be an Obama fundraising dinner in Taipei, at El Gallo Restaurant. The minimum ticket price is $2,500 NT ($80 US), which is a little rich for my blood, but I wish them much success.

Then, next month, the southern city of Kaohsiung will be hosting "Baracktoberfest." Its MasterCard-inspired tagline reads:

Cover: NT$250
Beer: NT$50
Getting your '08 Absentee Ballot in on time: Priceless
We'll do the paperwork while you drink the beer!

Now, this sounds like my kind of venue. Unfortunately, Kaohsiung is about 5-6 hours away (or 2.5 hours by high speed rail). If I didn't have to work that day, and if I wanted to spend the night there, I would go. But by the time I add in the cost of all that, I could probably just attend the Taipei fundraiser. Oh well, at least I'm going to vote.

Got my green card

I was finally able to pick up my Alien Resident Certificate (ARC) today. It's taken seven weeks. I was told that mine would take longer than normal because they're switching to new high-tech credit card style ARCs, complete with a built-in computer chip. Somebody lied. I waited all these weeks and got the same old laminated library card that they've always had. Oh well, at least now I can finally open a bank account.

Wednesday after work I had dinner with a couple of other teachers, Patrick and Jack, at Great White Shark (大白鯊 da4 bai2 sha1). I'd seen this place everyday while walking to work, but hadn't yet tried it. The sidewalk in front of the restaurant is lined with aquariums and ice-filled troughs filled with fresh fish, mollusks, crustaceans, and even frogs. The place is always hopping (except for the frogs), so I figured it must be good. Yep, it is. We had Szechuan tofu, beef with vegetables, squid with celery sauce, and fried salted shrimp. It was all yummy. It was the first time I'd ever eaten the entire shrimp—head, legs, tail and all. I was squeamish at first; Patrick advised, "Just eat the head first and get it over with." I did, and found out that the rest of the shrimp is just as delicious as the tail. Man, we waste so much good meat in America!

Here's a blog site where a woman has posted some photos of food she ate at Great White Shark, including those tasty shrimp. I'll have to take some pictures myself so you can see the restaurant itself.

I'm baaack...

I've been in Taiwan now 5 weeks, so I guess it's about time I start making some regular blog entries.

So today I had my first experience with a squat toilet. Actually, that's not quite true. Way back in 1982, when I spent a month in Europe, I encountered one of these beasts in a train station in Italy. How appropriate then that, 26 years later, I meet up with my old friend, once again, in a train station.

I went to Taipei today to turn in the paperwork to get my Residence Visa. It was when I got off the train at Taipei Main Station that my morning coffee decided to kick in. I made a mad dash to the nearest restroom, found one stall unoccupied, and grabbed it fast, since time was of the essence. I quickly discovered that my porcelain throne was more a porcelain foot tub, but there was no backing out at this point. Thank God I followed everyone's pre-arrival advice and had tissues with me, or I might have left the stall sans t-shirt. (I almost had to do the shirt-as-TP trick in Italy too, but I'll leave that story for another time)

I'd have to say, though, without getting too graphic, that squat toilets aren't all that bad. When you consider the general feng shui of human anatomy, those gaping holes in the ground do make sense. I mean, what do you do when you go camping? (I mean real, no-running-water, no-porta-potty, camping) You do what those bears in the woods do, right? (I mean real, non-animated, non-Charmin-Tissue-spokesmen bears)

While my meeting with the squat toilet was a bit surprising, my experience at the Bureau of Consular Affairs was utterly painless. I was in and out of there in a half hour. If anyone reading this has been to a big city Dept. of Motor Vehicles, you know just how incredible a half hour in a government office is. I go back on the 30th to pick up my visa, then off to get my ARC, which is my golden ticket to a bank account, cell phone service, etc.

I met up with Marc and Zenny in Zhonghe and we had lunch at a nice little Japanese place. Had some sushi and unagi and tempura, yummy! They were doing some kind of photo shoot at the place, I assume for advertising, and they asked Marc and me if we would be in some pictures. They pointedly did not want Zenny in the shots--a dok a's only! Guess we know who they're aiming their advertising dollars at.

I've been having problems uploading videos to both YouTube and MySpaceTV, so I may try it here too, just for Gits & Shiggles.