A bilingual pun (explained)

The Chinese words sound like the English words when pronounced with a Chinese accent.
The Chinese meaning is appropriate for any language.

忙Day     "Mang'day"   Busy Day

求死Day  "Chius'day"   Requesting-Death Day

未死Day  "Ways'day"    Haven't-Died-Yet Day

受死Day  "Shows'day"  Accept-Death Day

福來Day  "Fulai'day"    Good Fortune-Comes Day

May I take your order?

[Taken from Jon Rahoi's blog Gwailo Go Home!]
It was a night like any other – people inviting us out to a steakhouse. We get there, we are seated in a private room. All was well. Niceties aside, we prepare to order. I ask my wife what I should get. She says, “Go ahead and look at the menu – it’s in English.”

“Oh Really?”



I started out chuckling, then got progressively louder each time.



I’m not quite that hungry, thanks.



The scorn adds that little extra kick.



Am I the only one turned on now? Guys? Anyone?



I’m starting to get nauseous at this point, but I’m still laughing. It gets better.



I was so stunned by the English blunders herein, I had to buy the menu from them. Can you imagine the scene when that happened? I’ll never forget it. They couldn’t decide whether to be flattered or confused.

[Read the rest of Jon's hilarious experience here]

Why were there Nazis?

Excellent!

Chinglish (and Englinese?)

Click here for some laughs:

A Sampling of Chinglish: slideshow

Of course, I'm sure I make some howlers when I mangle Chinese (I call it “Englinese”).

Speaking of which, I'm proud to say I'm still on track. As of yesterday, I remembered the meaning, pronunciation, reading ,and writing of the following words for this week (patting myself on the back here, but also testing myself today as I write these):

有意思	yǒu yì si	to be interesting		試	shì	to try
說	shuō	to speak		慢	màn	slow
首	shǒu	[measure:songs]		週末	zhōu mò	weekend
密碼	mì mǎ	password		喝	hē	to drink
愉快	yú kuài	happy		吸煙	xī yān	to smoke
肉絲	ròu sī	shredded meat		得	de	[particle:manner/degree]
能	néng	can (physically)		可以	kě yǐ	can (permission)
會	huì	can (learned)		聽	tīng	to hear, listen
茄子	qié zi	eggplant		青椒	qīng jiāo	green pepper
話	huà	word		事	shì	matter, affair
歌	gē	song		難	nán	difficult
有一點	yǒu yì diǎn	slightly		意思	yì si	meaning
好像	hǎo xiàng	to seem to be		酒	jiǔ	alcohol
念	niàn	to read		番茄	fān qié	tomato
真	zhēn	real, true		做事	zuò shì	to take care of matters
畫畫	huà huà	to paint, draw		寫	xiě	to write
教	jiāo	to teach		飯	fàn	food, cooked rice
點飯	diǎn fàn	to order food		唱	chàng	to sing
無線上網	wú xiàn shàng wǎng	wireless Internet		味道	wèi dào	flavor
現在	xiàn zài	now

There are two words from this week that I keep forgetting how to write, although I can recognize the meaning and pronunciation when I see them:

不錯

bú cuò

not bad

跳舞

tiào wǔ

to dance

Did you notice that there are two words above pronounced exactly alike? SHÌ (試 to try) and SHÌ (事 matter). These homophones significantly complicate my learning.

Add to these some other words that I already know—

SHÌ (是 to be)
SHÌ (市 city,market)
SHÌ (式 style)
SHÌ (視 part of the word for TV)
SHÌ (世 part of the word for world)

—Plus some other SHIs that I know with different tones—

SHĪ (師 part of the word for teacher)
SHĪ (獅 lion)
SHÍ (十 ten)
SHÍ (時 hour)
SHÍ (石 stone)
SHǏ (屎 excrement)

—well, the picture sums it up pretty well.

Do you see something not quite right?

Here's a screen shot of a sidebar ad I recently saw.

Hmmm.

Foreigners speaking Chinese and fun TV

When I had a TV, I used to frequently watch a show called 姐妹會 (Sisters Meeting). Although I didn't understand 98% of it, I loved watching the playful spirit on the show. I especially enjoyed seeing the non-native Chinese speakers, as they were an inspiration to me learning this difficult language. If these 外國人 (foreigners) can get to this conversational level of Chinese, then dammit, so can I!

Happily, I discovered that I can still watch this show, sans TV, thanks to YouTube. Below is an excerpt from one episode, where the girls are parodying Taiwan TV commercials.


More videos can be found by searching 姐妹會 on YouTube.

Missionary Rap by Barats & Bereta

In the past week I’ve seen many Mormon missionaries in Taoyuan. By ‘many’ I mean I’ve seen 4+ every day, instead of the 2 I may see once every couple of months.

Coincidentally, my favorite online comedy team, Barats and Bereta, just posted this little gem. Enjoy.

Foul :-)

Don't worry your pretty little head

The above comic reminds me of a joke:

In the battle between the sexes, men are definitely better than women at doing two things: 1) Peeing standing up, and 2) Reading maps. Who else but a man would think that one inch equals a mile?

Sparky changes ownership

From Wondermark
by David Malki!

North Korea 北韓 북한

I wonder what it must be like to be an average North Korean citizen. Some writers have described living in its government-controlled society as like existing in a bubble, but I don't think that's quite right; even in a bubble, you can see the outside world.

Perhaps "living in a bubble, with Dear Leader's soap in your eyes" would be more accurate.

Even a seemingly innocuous news story about a new Italian restaurant in Pyongyang is turned into a self-glorifying tribute to Kim Jong Il.

There is a restaurant specializing in Italian dishes in Kwangbok Street, Pyongyang.

Its main dishes are various kinds of pizza and spaghetti dishes including pizza margherita and spaghetti vongole bianco. It also serves famous Korean and foreign dishes.

Manager of the restaurant Kim Sang Sun told KCNA:

There is a moving story behind the appearance of this restaurant. Leader Kim Jong Il took care that a restaurant specializing in Italian dishes was opened, saying the Koreans should be let to taste world-famous dishes. He took necessary measures, learning that the restaurant found it a tough row to hoe, having no cook experienced in Italian dishes. Now our cooks are just as good as Italians in making Italian dishes. No wonder the Korean and foreign customers are satisfied with the famous dishes of the world served by our restaurant.

I think The Onion did a perfect job of parodying the North Korean fantasy-world propaganda machine in the following video. Enjoy...

Proposition 8 - The Musical

Hollywood stars and commedians in this one: Jack Black, John C. Reilly, Neil Patrick Harris, Kathy Najimy, Maya Rudolph, Margaret Cho, Nicole Parker, Andy Richter, and others.
Prop 8 - The Musical

[Lyrics]

It's a brand new bright Obama day!
What a time to be black, a girl, or gay!
No nothing could go wrong,
So join us in this song
Of happy days, for the gays--
Nothing can go wrong!

Look, nobody's watching,
It's time to spread some hate
And put it in the Constitution...

Now? How?

Proposition 8!
Proposition 8! Great!

People listen to our plea
They'll teach kids about...sodomy!
Sodomy!


That wasn't right! That's a lie...

But it worked so we don't care!

Now you wish we'd all shut up...

But make our clothes and fix our hair!

And our love is not a sin...

Well the Bible says it's so!

[Jesus]:
Well the Bible says a lot of things, you know?

Jesus Christ!

Hey, how's it goin?

Jesus, doesn't the Bible say these people are an abomination?

Obama-nation?

Yeah, but you know it says the exact same thing about this shrimp cocktail...

Mmm...shrimp cocktail!

Leviticus says shellfish is an abomination.

Obama-nation!

What else does the Bible say, Jesus?

The Bible says a lot of interesting things:
Like, you can stone your wife
Or sell your daughter into slavery.

Well, we ignore those verses.

Well then, friend, it seems to me you pick and choose

We pick and choose!

Well, please choose love instead of hate.
Besides, your nation
was built on separation
of church and state!
See you later sinners!

Bye Jesus...goodbye Jesus...I love you Jesus!

You know, here's another thought to wrap things up:
Oh, ev-ery time a gay or lesbian
finds love at the parade--
there's money to be made!

He's right!

Each time two grooms say, "Paint that wedding hall"
and lavender's the shade--
There's money to be made!

He has a point!

Think of all the carriages and four white horses;
There's millions lost from all your disapproving.

Well, that's not good...

Think of all the lawyers for the gay divorces;
Think of the tattoo removing!

We get it now...we've been such fools!

[All]:I can see
America's calling me.
Yes, gay marriages will save
the econ-o-myyyyyyyyyyy!!

Investment tips for 2009

[Thanks to Brie for sharing this with me]
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2009:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become:
Poly Warner Cracker.


3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4.) ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

The wrong way to ask for $700 billion

By David Malki! at Wondermark.com

How many 5-year-olds could you take in a fight?

15

Honesty in reporting

Poor guy; all he wants is to get back to the city, enjoy a latte at Starbucks, and not have to worry about bugs flying in his mouth.

Speaking of conversating...

www.wondermark.com

The View from Taiwan: Fox Paws and Snafus

The last couple of days have put me in such a good mood that I thought I'd stop talking about myself, and instead point to an interesting article by Taiwan-guru Michael Turton: The View from Taiwan: Fox Paws and Snafus.

Even if you're like me and not much a political person, read the story about the US's nuclear fuse snafu, and the 'dam' follow-up article. Guaranteed to tickle your funny bone.

All our orderers are fulfilled!

I estimate that I receive at least a dozen spam emails per day. Normally, I open up the spam folder and scan the list of senders before I empty it, just to make sure a legit email didn't get sent there. I also like to skim the subject lines because they provide some light humor.

Based on the 32 spam messages that I received over the past 48 hours, I've discovered the following:

  42% of the senders feel that my penis is too small (how did they know?!). They guarantee that I can "make her grin with a larger male organ."

  29% are confirming my online prescription order. I must have ordered Alzheimer's medication, because I don't recall placing any orders.

  23% are sharing their passwords with me for porn sites. I figure these folks must have spoken with the 42% above and decided that, with my shameful dimensions, I'm constantly dateless and hence in excessive need for porn.

  6% are anxious to give me hot tips on stocks and "the finest Replica watches."

Out of curiosity, I opened one of the emails offering me a free porn password:

Of course, these people who claim to know such intimate details of my life--like my substandard wiener--should know that I judge the quality of porn sites by their adherence to standard rules of English grammar. I mean, c'mon!